Bediquette

We've all heard of Etiquette! the code of behaviour that delineates expectations for social behaviour according to conventional norms within a society, social class or group.  Debretts guide is widely recognised as thee guide on all things 'etiquette' and 'manners' however I am contributing an additional chapter, one they have missed out on but is essential for a harmonious and happy home life...'BEDIQUETTE'.

What is Bediquette you may ask, well it is the etiquette and manners around all things bedroom and bed related. Here are some of it's more central rules;

Rule 1. Partners do not always have to retire together. But, if one partner retires later it is not acceptable to enter the bedroom later and turn on the bedroom light to 'get ready for bed', neither is it 'Bediquette' to forget the lay out of your bedroom and stumble around in the dark bumping and banging into the bed, tripping over objects on the floor as you fumble in the dark. Cursing under your breath as you stub your toe is not Bediquette and neither is opening the wardrobe doors esp the one
that 'sticks' and creates a banging wobbling vibrating noise as you pull hard on it to open it.

Rule 2. Just get into bed - quietly. Do not jump in, get in making verbal noises to announce your arrival or turn on the bedside lamp to place your watch, set the alarm or take out your contact lenses.  Bediquette states that you must not mutter the immortal line "are you awake" , Bediquette states that this shall be ignored but if the incumbent is awake and wants you to know they are awake then they will signal this fact by a statement or gesture which then allows you to continue with conversation.

Rule 3. Once in bed Bediquette states that you MUST wait for your body, hands or feet to come up to bed temperature before attempting closer bodily contact with your partner. It is not Bediqutte to enter the bed and then clamp your colder body and extremities limpet like around their warm and snug body. Attempting to do this will in most part illicit a sharp rebuff and even 'companion rejection' for the rest of the night.

Rule 4. Bediqutte states that when turning over in bed you must initiate the 'bed turn tent pole manoeuvre' . You must not just turn your body as this will result in the dragging of the quilt with you which will result in either a colder part of the quilt being dragged over your partner or worse still the removal of the remaining vestige of quilt from around your partner.  Bad Bediqutte such as this will probably result in quilt wars and resultant huffing and puffing and pulling and tugging until an acceptable quilt ownership amnesty is reached. So to avoid this the 'bed turn tent pole manouver' is to be used. Before the turn manoeuvre is initiated lift an arm into the air under the quilt, this will act like a tent pole and create a space. The whole manoeuvre needs to be conducted swiftly so as to avoid the colder air outside the bed from entering, once your arm has created the space you are then free to turn or roll your body in this space with no contact with the quilt. The quilt does not move or get dragged with your body and your partner continues to sleep undisturbed and in continued warmth.

Rule 5. Should you happen to 'accidentally' break wind in bed you must use Bediqutte to minimise the fall out for your partner. Under no circumstances should you ignore this abberition  and neither should you celebrate it by loud guffawing or the placing of the quilt over your partners head. Instead you should raise your feet slightly allowing cool fresh air to enter the bed space from the bottom of the bed and the warm rancid air to escape their too. Do not start wafting the quilt from the 'head' end as this is not only bad Bediqutte but will likely illicit protestations from your partner.

Rule 6. If you are first up and out of the bed in the morning then pre planning is essential. Bediqutte states that clothes etc must be prepared the night before and placed in an easily accessible place that does not require the use of artificial lighting to locate them. Neither is it acceptable to begin the opening of wardrobe doors (see rule 1) and rummaging around huffing and puffing when unable to locate the vestment of choice. Turning on the light and muttering "I'll just be a minute" is and will always be bad Bediqutte. Neither is it acceptable to use the bed as a chair when putting on stockings, socks or shoes as this DOES rock the bed and WILL disturb the sleep of your partner.
If you have wooden or parquet flooring it IS bad Bediquette to continue getting dressed on top of squeaky boards.  Recognise that you are 'squeaking' and move to another space or room.

Rule 7.  Not everyone is as happy and jolly as you are in the morning.  Bediquette states that you must not thrust your happiness on your grumpy tired partner.  If your partner is still requiring further rest and quiet it is bad bediquette to skip, sing, dance your way around the bedroom and it is just as bad bediquette to try and engage in conversation, even whilst adopting a sweet girly funny little voice.

So these are the seven golden rules of Bediquette (copyright A Smith 2012) and the principles around them.  Following these should result in the long lasting and happy relationship that we all aspire to :)
If you think you can add to these please let me know...