The Driving Pillocks

The driving Pillocks

Sounds like a 1970's folk band? No it's the absolute pillocks that are allowed to drive cars nowadays. Just lately i think I've met them all.  It's been a while since I've had a rant so sit back and enjoy.  Hopefully you don't fit any of the categories below but if you do, then you are a Pillock :)

I've tried subjectively to give them all a Pillock Rating (PR) out of 10.  Had to review this as they all got 10/10!

Do you recognise any of these?

The Speeder

Mr total tosser. Normally driving a BMW (lol) or cheap company Ford Mondeos.  Think they own the road.  The rest of us obviously don't know how important they are as they speed up behind you and fill the review mirror.  This manoeuvre is intended to do two things.  1. try to bully you out of the way and 2. to push you to go over the speed limit as doing the speed limit is no longer acceptable to billy whiz.  After about 10 seconds of pushing you from behind the next manoeuvre in the speeding amoebas brain is to weave about, to say look you are holding me up, I'm very important.  This is quickly followed by the pull out by a third to see if they can pass, i.e have they got more than a 50:50 chance of getting around you as only a 50:50 chance is good enough for them.  If they have then that is usually good enough for these morons and will see no problem with putting oncoming motorists in fear of their lives.

This is then usually followed by the immediate hard braking as they pull into the 'non' space between you and the car in front. Thank you very much you tosser for making the rest of us have to brake, i didn't fancy sitting in your back seat.  Oh and well done for gaining 10 yards on us, I'm mightily impressed.  As you follow behind you can normally sit back and watch all the above take place again as said moron tries to repeat said manoeuvres. Here you get a grand stand view of constant brake lights as he has to brake and brake again in his desire to be king of the road. What a Pillock.

PR 10


The Queue jumper

There you are following the rules of the road, taking advice from the road signs around you, i.e. two lanes become one in 400, 200 , 100 yards.  So you do the right thing and stay in the left hand lane as looking ahead you can see that the lane is full, no where to 'push in' if you please. So you do, as we British do, you 'queue'.  But oh no, those important people are still on the road.  These people who mysteriously 1. cannot see or read the road signs and 2. wantonly ignore said road signs and 3. ignore the fact that the left hand is full .
How wonderful to see them speed alongside the waiting traffic, imaginary neon light above the car glowing 'special person' aboard (special needs more like) thinking I'll just pop down to the front of the queue and one of you plebs MUST let in.  How astonished they look when suddenly there is a wall of cars bumper to bumper refusing to let them in.  How dare we! "I've just come down the outside lane and now YOU  MUST let me in" they are almost screaming.  And so begins the 'rutting off the stag' manoeuvre. I move an inch closer to the bumper, you move an inch closer to a gap that isn't there.  I move an inch closer, you move an inch closer.  Once again the 'bullying' tactics of the Speeder above come to the fore and the winner will invariably be the one who has more to lose by damage to their car.  Company car driver wins again as he will not have to foot the bill.  Mr arrogant is usually in a fit of rage at this point and foaming at the mouth with the effrontery of these plebs who will not let them push in.  His small brain doesn't even understand why we simply cannot understand that he is more important than us, doesn't have to live to rules of the road or road etiquette and that we should accept our place in the road hierarchy pecking order, which is a few car lengths behind him! Pillocks

PR 9


The non indicator

What twats.  You pull up to the roundabout, glance left, you could enter the roundabout safely but there is a car coming, its not indicating to turn off so must be coming right round...so you slow, even stop.  But what's this? said car has just pulled off the roundabout to your left.  You could have gone onto the roundabout before but twaticus didn't indicate!  These people are the epitome of laziness. OOhh how hard is it for me to lift my hand to the indicator column and then depress it, Ooohh then I'd have to depress it after i have turned off.  Sod it, I'll just turn off, sod anyone waiting to come on.
I hadn't realised so many cars don't make indicators a default option on their models anymore.  Pillocks

PR 8


The offside obstruction

You know how it is.  You are driving down a road and in the other lane (oncoming traffic) there's an obstruction, bus parked, line of parked traffic etc and so only your side of the road is clear.  So you happily tootle along and you can see a car coming and you know he will stop and wait as the obstruction is on his side.  But what's this? He's not stopping, you've met Mr important again but this time he could be driving any vehicle.  Apparently this type of motoring disease afflicts the masses!  Your cars are going to meet head to head, you can see them staring at you , questioning why YOU have not stopped to let THEM through, ignoring the fact that they are now driving at you on your side of the road!  Utter puzzlement turning to rage takes over them as they mouth unknown obscenities at you through the windscreen but translated usually mean "don't you know who i am, remove your vehicle from your side of the road and let me through NOW as my side of the road appears to be blocked but as i am more important than you, you mere pleb, I have right of way!"
Me, I'm more than happy to sit in my car and get the paper out and start reading until they've seen the error of their ways, I've usually got all the time in the world but the weak ones, unfortunately they will let them through and still get the 'glare'.  This also begins the 'Lemming factor' as as soon as one is through, the rest follow! Ignoring courtesy and etiquette they will gladly ignore you until all have passed through.  Pillocks

PR 10 (I'd happily kick the granny out of these types)


The discourteous Pillock

You are in a good mood, the sun is shining and people are trying to get out of a busy side road so you wave them out...and out they come ...without so much as a nod, a wave, a thank you.  Well don't mind me you think to yourself, Pillock.  You let someone round an obstruction (see offside obstruction above) and round they come...without so much as a nod, a wave, a thank you, Pillock.  These are the people in life who probably never say thank you to anyone for anything, as though everyone owes them.  We are there for them.  Cannot find anything even remotely amusing to say about these people. Pillocks

PR 10


The Full Beam knobs

You're driving at night, no one around so you have full beam on.  It's always nice to see the deer just before you hit it.  Then what's that in the distance? A car is approaching and you know that because it's dark and you can see the 100M candle watts from his headlights approaching you as lights tend to stand out somewhat in the dark and therefore if driving with his eyes open he must be able to see you too.  So, you dip yours before you come face to face, being the kind considerate driver you are you do this so as not to dazzle the other driver.  But oh no..Mr 100M candle watts decides to leave his on to the last minute, just as you come face to face...yup Dazzle secured!  Perhaps he's retarded you think, or blind as obviously he didn't see your lights in the pitch black! And therefore could not have known to dip at the earlier opportunity - oh no. And so they continue on their merry way, dazzling all comers, leaving it till it's too late to dip because they might suddenly become blind and crash if they don't have full beam on.  You can almost imagine the little discussion going on in the one brain cell they possess "Finger on dip, don't dip yet, nearly there , nearly there, yes here they are..NOW dip!"
Then there are the 4x4 knobs who have brains the size of their penis's i.e very small.  It's too far a leap intellectually to understand that their 4x4's sit higher on the road so that when they come up behind you at night, sit on your arse, that funnily enough your rearview and whole cabin will be lit up like an exploding supernova.  Mrs 4x4 she's a one, nearly always blond. She probably looks like a horse, and has the 4x4 purely for that dangerous, tricky difficult terrain going school run. Pillocks

PR 8


The boy racer

Difficult to get annoyed by this grouping as they don't know any better and provide amusement by driving around in a cringingly embarrassing slightly pimped car owned by their mother.  Only really annoying when exhibiting traits from the above categories.  The one thing they get a Pillock rating for is for that bloody horrendous noise masquerading as music blasting from their shopping trolly of a car. And why is it that their windows have to be wound right down and the volume maxed - "hey everyone, look at us in this super cool pimped up Corsa/Citroen or Astra (delete as appropriate) arms out holding onto the roof showing off latest arm tattoo in sleeveless vest and first attempt at facial hair. Pillocks

PR 4


White van man

See all of the above. Enough said. Pillocks

PR 10