A Man walks into a bar..

An Essex girl is involved in a bad car accident.  A paramedic rushes to her aid. "Whereabouts are you bleeding from?" he asks.  "Well," says the girl, "since you ask, bleeding Romford"

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?  He's all right now.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

A traffic cop pulls alongside a speeding car on the motorway and is amazed to see the blond behind the wheel knitting. The policeman cranks down his window and yells "Pull over!"  "No!" shouts back the blond "Scarf!"

A blind man is at the opticians with his guide dog.  Both are facing the eye test chart on the wall. The optician takes away the guide dog and replaces it with another guide dog and asks "Is that better or worse?"

What goes Click...is that it?  Click...is that it? Click ...is that it?  A blind man with a Rubiks cube

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet to be neutered. "Is it a Tom?" asks the vet. "No, it's in this box" says the Yorkshireman

Man to waitress in a Chinese restaurant "This chicken is rubbery" Waitress: "Thank you sir"

Tom and Dick are playing Golf and Tom has brought his Yorkshire Terrier with him.  Every time Tom hits a good shot the Yorkshire Terrier stands on it's hind legs and gives him a round of applause.  "That's very impressive " says Dick "But what does he do when you hit a bad shot?" "He turns three or four somersaults" replies Tom "But it depends on how hard I kick him"

Harry to Doctor "I can't understand it, my wife is pregnant but we haven't had sex in a year" Doctor: "It's what we call a Grudge pregnancy - someones obviously had it in for you"

A Doctor is examining a young female patient.  He applies his stethoscope and says "Big breaths", "Yeth" replies the girl, "And I'm thtill only thixtheen"

Custers last words at the battle of Little big horn "I'll never understand these damned Indians, a couple of minutes ago they were singing and dancing..."

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Why does 'monosyllabic' have five syllables?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

My wife constantly complains that i never listen to her, or something like that.

A customer is ordering food in his local Indian restaurant. "Waiter, what's this chicken tarka?" The waiter replies "It's like chicken tikka but a little 'otter"

Harry took his date to a very posh restaurant and ordered all the food in French.  Even the waiter was impressed - especially as they were in a chinese restaurant

and finally for now...Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?
Tequilla