All hail Tommy Cooper...

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."