Now I don't know about you, but if you ever thought you wasn't normal, take a train journey to London, it will confirm one way or the other if you're a weirdo or not. For instance, do you fit into the following observed categories?
PS MR =Mong rating out of 10
The coffee drinker
When did this actually start? Why do people insist on drinking coffee out of plastic cups, but insist on carrying it with them wherever they go, held out at arms length like some beacon of weirdness and fashion statement "ohhhhh look at me, i drink coffee, im soooo special, I can drink coffee on the go and I know my beannnzzz". What arseholes. I was watching one woman this morning at Wakefield Westgate station, she's pulling one of those ridiculous teeny weeny suitcase trolleys on wheels, got a handbag the size of Wales in the other hand but insists on also carrying a Costa special in another hand!! holding it out infront of her like the Olympic torch, "look at me look at me, I drink coffee..". The thing is, because of the coffee, bag the size of Wales and the suitcase, she expected everyone else to open doors for her.." ohh i can't possibly open doors cos my hands are full, look I drink Coffee, someone else must be my serf and open all my doors...". Coffee drinkers drinking out out of plastic cups, what a set of mongs. MR 7
The suitcase person
When did this actually start? Why is it that even if you're going on a short day trip to the capital you feel the need to take a suitcase with you? A teeny weeny suitcase on wheels, on top of that you feel the need to inconvienience evey other traveller by taking up three peoples space on the platform by dragging half of your pointless belongings behind you in a SUITCASE! How annoying are they when you are walking down the platform and a suitcase mong steps out before you, they then have to stop, making you stop, to fumble with the handle, stretch it out, then start walking, only after they've held you up and nearly tripped you up due to their pathetic vain need to say "oohh look at me, I need a suitcase eveywhere I go" Then you get to the top of some steps or an escalator and we go through it all again, stop, fumble with the handle to put it down, bend down and pick the suitcase up with the other handle, THEN go through it all again at the bottom of the steps! AND have you ever seen anything more gay than men pulling these inflated handbags behind them. What a set of Quentins " Ohhhh look at me, do my winklepickers look good in these ..." often accompanied by a pointless effeminate looking scarf wrapped around their scrawny neck cos some G(c)ock Wan type has told em it looks 'fashionable'. MR 9
The GTI ' gadget techie idiot'
Why oh why does every trip have at least two of these. You know the type, as soon as they've taken their seat, it's out with their, super dooper mini size super new latest mini laptop, super dooper latest mac iphone, super dooper latest mini super woofer headphones for the iphone, ...then a new set of latest super dooper set of headphones for the laptop, then a further super dooper set of headphones but he doesn't know what they are for. Then it's plug in plug in plug in, plug in every gadget he can using every available socket cos he's soooo important and so gifted that he can operate all said 'i' instruments all at he same time. Then you can't help think 'wow, he must be so important, so you watch..out of the corner of your eye. Then you wait, and wait, and wait. He does nothing! it's all for display, like some pimped up peacock on steroids. He has nothing of substance to do..does one email, then ends up looking at the screen but doing nothing before having a quick game of solataire, sitting back to look out of the window, checking his iphone for the 20th time but reading the same text over and over again as no one else has sent him a new text since his mum had text him the night before. Wat a MONG! MR 8
The noisy talker
Usually always women. Cannot shut up and feel the need to speak at full volume. By the end of the journey you know more personal things about them than her hubby does or closest family. Not only that but you also find out that her boss is crap, her friend 'mercedes' has got three boyfriends on the go and may have crabs, and she got soooo pissed on Saturday night that she cannot remember a thing except waking up with Tarquin from the Rugby club, and that she once fancied her best mate, and now she fancies 'Steve' from accounts and her diet isnt working. Unfortunately this condition seems to be infectious and her three colleagues soon follow suit and you begin to fantasise about ouzi 9 mm's, Kalashnikovs and handgrenades. MR 9
The 'I'm blind' seat takers
You know what it's like, you personally take the time to request a booked seat when you make your reservation, lets face it , it's no extra cost, takes no time and guarantees you a seat for your journey. Sooooo why is it when you board the train that you find some Trampy, illiterate spazmong sat in your seat! As much as you want and feel the need to stick your size tens in their face, take the piss by asking if they are blind? dumb? illiterate? you feel compelled to start the conversation by being half polite and saying " ahem...excuse me but i believe you may be sat in my reserved seat..". Then the charade continues, cos that what it is, a charade, as they reply " oh..sorry i didn't realise it was reserved" as you think "that's ok, that great sod off reserved sign thats placed on the seat back , that shouts out, THIS SEAT IS RESERVED, the sign you cannot miss, and I know you didn't miss but we will both PRETEND you missed' and you stand their feeling awkward as they then make a great show of huffing and puffing as they collect all their belongs feeling hard done to and trying their best to make YOU feel awkward for asking them to move. Sorry! but if youre not out in 5 seconds youre getting twatted. MR 9
The I need more than one seat on a crowded train brigade
This lot are premeditated and plan in advance for this. You know the type, it's going to be a crowded train but they don't want anyone sat next to them, really believe that they are special and DESERVE two seats. Their Modus Operandum is always the same...take the aisle seat, then fill the seat nearest the window with everything they possess, coats, bags, laptop cases. This makes it only the brave that will utter the imortal words as they struggle for a vacant seat..."is anyone sitting their?" Now this is extremely funny for the watcher as everyone knows the train is full, then you pull into a station and a crowded platform pile onto the train and there just isnt enough seats but the seat grabber pretends not to notice, lol, you can see them feigning sleep or pretend to be engrossed in a book...the look of suprise on their face when they get asked the immortal question ' is that seat taken' is a joy to behold, followed by Oscar winning performances in nearly all cases. Watching them make great play in moving all their items of the seat like they are doing you a great favour is pure comedy. The best though are those who think "what a bastard you are! can't you see my coat is sitting there!!!" the look of disgust on their faces as they cannot believe you have the temerity to ask to sit next to them! how they make a great show of being put out cos they've had to move their newspaper, coat or other crap just to let YOU sit down..on a crowded train. Sitting on the aise hasn't worked for them and it's a sweet reward as the new person shoves their arse in their face as they try to squeeze past to take the seat lol. MR 10
Thanks for listening
Anyway, here is the view from my office window yesterday
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| One of the courtyards at Bush House, just off the Strand, Central London |
