The Driving Pillocks

The driving Pillocks

Sounds like a 1970's folk band? No it's the absolute pillocks that are allowed to drive cars nowadays. Just lately i think I've met them all.  It's been a while since I've had a rant so sit back and enjoy.  Hopefully you don't fit any of the categories below but if you do, then you are a Pillock :)

I've tried subjectively to give them all a Pillock Rating (PR) out of 10.  Had to review this as they all got 10/10!

Do you recognise any of these?

The Speeder

Mr total tosser. Normally driving a BMW (lol) or cheap company Ford Mondeos.  Think they own the road.  The rest of us obviously don't know how important they are as they speed up behind you and fill the review mirror.  This manoeuvre is intended to do two things.  1. try to bully you out of the way and 2. to push you to go over the speed limit as doing the speed limit is no longer acceptable to billy whiz.  After about 10 seconds of pushing you from behind the next manoeuvre in the speeding amoebas brain is to weave about, to say look you are holding me up, I'm very important.  This is quickly followed by the pull out by a third to see if they can pass, i.e have they got more than a 50:50 chance of getting around you as only a 50:50 chance is good enough for them.  If they have then that is usually good enough for these morons and will see no problem with putting oncoming motorists in fear of their lives.

This is then usually followed by the immediate hard braking as they pull into the 'non' space between you and the car in front. Thank you very much you tosser for making the rest of us have to brake, i didn't fancy sitting in your back seat.  Oh and well done for gaining 10 yards on us, I'm mightily impressed.  As you follow behind you can normally sit back and watch all the above take place again as said moron tries to repeat said manoeuvres. Here you get a grand stand view of constant brake lights as he has to brake and brake again in his desire to be king of the road. What a Pillock.

PR 10


The Queue jumper

There you are following the rules of the road, taking advice from the road signs around you, i.e. two lanes become one in 400, 200 , 100 yards.  So you do the right thing and stay in the left hand lane as looking ahead you can see that the lane is full, no where to 'push in' if you please. So you do, as we British do, you 'queue'.  But oh no, those important people are still on the road.  These people who mysteriously 1. cannot see or read the road signs and 2. wantonly ignore said road signs and 3. ignore the fact that the left hand is full .
How wonderful to see them speed alongside the waiting traffic, imaginary neon light above the car glowing 'special person' aboard (special needs more like) thinking I'll just pop down to the front of the queue and one of you plebs MUST let in.  How astonished they look when suddenly there is a wall of cars bumper to bumper refusing to let them in.  How dare we! "I've just come down the outside lane and now YOU  MUST let me in" they are almost screaming.  And so begins the 'rutting off the stag' manoeuvre. I move an inch closer to the bumper, you move an inch closer to a gap that isn't there.  I move an inch closer, you move an inch closer.  Once again the 'bullying' tactics of the Speeder above come to the fore and the winner will invariably be the one who has more to lose by damage to their car.  Company car driver wins again as he will not have to foot the bill.  Mr arrogant is usually in a fit of rage at this point and foaming at the mouth with the effrontery of these plebs who will not let them push in.  His small brain doesn't even understand why we simply cannot understand that he is more important than us, doesn't have to live to rules of the road or road etiquette and that we should accept our place in the road hierarchy pecking order, which is a few car lengths behind him! Pillocks

PR 9


The non indicator

What twats.  You pull up to the roundabout, glance left, you could enter the roundabout safely but there is a car coming, its not indicating to turn off so must be coming right round...so you slow, even stop.  But what's this? said car has just pulled off the roundabout to your left.  You could have gone onto the roundabout before but twaticus didn't indicate!  These people are the epitome of laziness. OOhh how hard is it for me to lift my hand to the indicator column and then depress it, Ooohh then I'd have to depress it after i have turned off.  Sod it, I'll just turn off, sod anyone waiting to come on.
I hadn't realised so many cars don't make indicators a default option on their models anymore.  Pillocks

PR 8


The offside obstruction

You know how it is.  You are driving down a road and in the other lane (oncoming traffic) there's an obstruction, bus parked, line of parked traffic etc and so only your side of the road is clear.  So you happily tootle along and you can see a car coming and you know he will stop and wait as the obstruction is on his side.  But what's this? He's not stopping, you've met Mr important again but this time he could be driving any vehicle.  Apparently this type of motoring disease afflicts the masses!  Your cars are going to meet head to head, you can see them staring at you , questioning why YOU have not stopped to let THEM through, ignoring the fact that they are now driving at you on your side of the road!  Utter puzzlement turning to rage takes over them as they mouth unknown obscenities at you through the windscreen but translated usually mean "don't you know who i am, remove your vehicle from your side of the road and let me through NOW as my side of the road appears to be blocked but as i am more important than you, you mere pleb, I have right of way!"
Me, I'm more than happy to sit in my car and get the paper out and start reading until they've seen the error of their ways, I've usually got all the time in the world but the weak ones, unfortunately they will let them through and still get the 'glare'.  This also begins the 'Lemming factor' as as soon as one is through, the rest follow! Ignoring courtesy and etiquette they will gladly ignore you until all have passed through.  Pillocks

PR 10 (I'd happily kick the granny out of these types)


The discourteous Pillock

You are in a good mood, the sun is shining and people are trying to get out of a busy side road so you wave them out...and out they come ...without so much as a nod, a wave, a thank you.  Well don't mind me you think to yourself, Pillock.  You let someone round an obstruction (see offside obstruction above) and round they come...without so much as a nod, a wave, a thank you, Pillock.  These are the people in life who probably never say thank you to anyone for anything, as though everyone owes them.  We are there for them.  Cannot find anything even remotely amusing to say about these people. Pillocks

PR 10


The Full Beam knobs

You're driving at night, no one around so you have full beam on.  It's always nice to see the deer just before you hit it.  Then what's that in the distance? A car is approaching and you know that because it's dark and you can see the 100M candle watts from his headlights approaching you as lights tend to stand out somewhat in the dark and therefore if driving with his eyes open he must be able to see you too.  So, you dip yours before you come face to face, being the kind considerate driver you are you do this so as not to dazzle the other driver.  But oh no..Mr 100M candle watts decides to leave his on to the last minute, just as you come face to face...yup Dazzle secured!  Perhaps he's retarded you think, or blind as obviously he didn't see your lights in the pitch black! And therefore could not have known to dip at the earlier opportunity - oh no. And so they continue on their merry way, dazzling all comers, leaving it till it's too late to dip because they might suddenly become blind and crash if they don't have full beam on.  You can almost imagine the little discussion going on in the one brain cell they possess "Finger on dip, don't dip yet, nearly there , nearly there, yes here they are..NOW dip!"
Then there are the 4x4 knobs who have brains the size of their penis's i.e very small.  It's too far a leap intellectually to understand that their 4x4's sit higher on the road so that when they come up behind you at night, sit on your arse, that funnily enough your rearview and whole cabin will be lit up like an exploding supernova.  Mrs 4x4 she's a one, nearly always blond. She probably looks like a horse, and has the 4x4 purely for that dangerous, tricky difficult terrain going school run. Pillocks

PR 8


The boy racer

Difficult to get annoyed by this grouping as they don't know any better and provide amusement by driving around in a cringingly embarrassing slightly pimped car owned by their mother.  Only really annoying when exhibiting traits from the above categories.  The one thing they get a Pillock rating for is for that bloody horrendous noise masquerading as music blasting from their shopping trolly of a car. And why is it that their windows have to be wound right down and the volume maxed - "hey everyone, look at us in this super cool pimped up Corsa/Citroen or Astra (delete as appropriate) arms out holding onto the roof showing off latest arm tattoo in sleeveless vest and first attempt at facial hair. Pillocks

PR 4


White van man

See all of the above. Enough said. Pillocks

PR 10

With a heavy heart

I post this photo..

It was a photo i took a while ago when i knew that nothing else could be done for my Mum.  I'd gone walking with my Dad and brother Eddie on a walk we often did from my Mum and Dads house to another village and back again.  We were all walking together and chatting away when Dad was suddenly walking by himself and obviously deep in thought. 

I couldn't miss the poignancy of the moment and raised my camera..

I call the photo 'I walk alone'

However, Dad will never walk alone and through these hard times we have all stuck together, just as Mum had demanded.  

I walk alone

Here's one from happier times.  Mum and Dad at the top of their street.  The beginning of the walk mentioned above is up the track behind Dad's head.

An afternoon at Fighter town

RAF Coningsby, always something going on.

A Typhoon from 29(R) Squadron overflying the airfield

An air test for this Hurricane from the BBMF - its first flight of the year

Another Typhoon from 29(R) Squadron powers through

A Tornado GR4 from 41(R) Squadron just taking off

Putting on the POWER

Typhoon from 17 Squadron steals off into the Lincolnshire sky

Typhoon from 3(F) Squadron pulling away from a 'touch and go'

Very late afternoon

A 29(R) Squadron Typhoon arrives home from a training sortie - touchdown!

Reds - Winter Training

As RAF Scampton is close by to where I work, i popped up to watch them during Winter Training yesterday.  There were only four up yesterday.

Here's a few pics i took..

A mixed day weatherwise, Mostly dark clouds with some bright skies.
Here the four out training arrive on station

This guy was REALLY upside down and flew like this down the A15!

Barreling around each other..

..with angry skies

Red 1, the leader is out of shot flying alongside and watching providing critical comments
(I was listening in on an air band receiver)

You're not there

I open my eyes on Christmas morn
I want to wish you the best
You're not there
I have news of Grandchildren
and want to tell you the rest
You're not there

I have a new house
You'll love the garden and flowers
You're not there
Sometimes I'm sad
been crying for hours
You're not there

I want comfort and loving
when i'm needy, in pain
You're not there
an arm put around me
to fix me again
You're not there

I want you to stay
let me be the host
You're not there
I want to confide
when I need you the most
You're not there

I want to invite you for tea
with cooking by me
You're not there
I want to take day trips
and walk by the sea
You're not there

But most of all
I want to see you again
But you're not there
And life to me, just doesn't seem fair..


Adrian Smith
Jan 2014




Still hurting.

A tribute to my Mum

Mum - Eulogy

Valerie Shirley Smith.  Wife, Mother, Grandmother, Mother in law and Friend.  Friend to everyone sat here in this church today.  And didn’t she have some very special friends.

I just want to say a few personal words about my Mum.   I want to share just a few memories out of thousands that I have.  

Whilst i was writing these words I was listening to some Christmas music.  It was a mixture of Slade from the 70’s and traditional hymns sung by Annie Lennox of Eurythmics fame.  It immediately brought Mum back to life for me.  My mum loved Christmas.  She loved it all, the hymns, the family getting together, the big traditional Christmas dinner, decorating the house and even now, she loved the giving and receiving of presents.  One of my earliest memories is of the family going to the Midnight service on Christmas Eve at St John the Baptist church, in our village of Hillmorton during our Rugby years. If i smell a lit candle in a church around Christmas time it immediately transports me back to that time as Mum wanted us to do Christmas the right way and so off to church we all went.  It was also at Mums insistence that me and my brothers had to join the Church choir but after about 5 weeks of going up and down the scales we had a small mutiny and even Mum accepted that Des Ed and myself would not be returning to that particular weekly activity.

The Rugby years were very special for all of us and is where we met Mums special friends, Margaret and Frank.  It would be remiss of me to not mention this as the friendship has endured over 50 years and all of us, parents and children alike have grown up with each other and shared many highs and lows that a friendship of 50 years will bring.  Today your pain is shared by us all.

Mum had many friends, Mille and Ken were there right from her moving from school into the world of employment and were there right through her French adventure living just 12 miles away in a local French village. Another friendship lasting over 50 years. Today your pain is shared by us all.

Family was always important to Mum, not just my Dad and my brothers and i, but her wider family, her younger brother and sister, Geoff and Lynn.  We know you are both hurting today as we all are but you must know that Mum thought the world of both of you.  Today your pain is shared by us all. 

She missed her mum and dad when they both passed away and one of her most precious possessions was the war time diary written by her Father.  I am honoured, having read the contents, to be passed this precocious tome and have promised my mum to look after it and pass it on.  Mum was very proud of her families contribution to the War effort in WW2, as as well as her father, her grandfather was posted to the famous 617 squadron, the Dambusters during the time of the Dams raids and to this day had his mention in dispatches and invitation to the Dams raid reunion party at the Warldorf in London hung on the wall of her house in France.

My mum was a very special woman, a very special lady.  However, she did have some problems.  One of them was technology.  Living in France we found different methods to communicate, occasionally by letter, mostly by phone but sometimes SKYPE.  I’m sure your all familiar with SKYPE, the video phone conferencing facility.  Well, it’s priceless comedy too, especially if you ever had to SKYPE my mum and Dad.  Firstly it was a success if they managed to find the accept button when you dialled them.  You knew you had time to make a cup of tea whilst they both sparred with each other over which button they should press. Is the camera on? Is the screen maximised?  Little did they know they all this mini drama was played out for you whilst you relaxed with said cup of tea as they never ever got to grasp that the camera automatically comes on and we can see them and they didn’t know it.  Dad would peer over his glasses looking at the laptop as though all the instructions were written in mandarin, mum would be looking exasperated at Dads lack of IT technology skills, Dads familiar refrain of ‘Bloody hell Val’ would be repeated and it would only be when We’d had enough comedy value and said hello and let them know that they were already connected that smiles would return and by the magic of pure luck Mum would hit the right button and we were connected, camera to camera, face to face and we’d have a lovely chat.  The pleasure of being able to see each other and show each other things via the camera was immense and helped eat away at the many hundreds of miles between us that a normal phone call couldn't do.   The fun and games would start again however when it was time to say goodbye and sign off.  They’d always ask us to sign off because they didn’t know how to.  Sometimes we’d tease them and we’d all be in fits of laughter as we refused to be the ones to sign off and mum and dad would search desperately for the off button all played out in glorious technicolor on the cam as they bob forward pressing anything they thought would work.  Occasionally they’d stop look up and dad would say to mum, “is it off” and mum would say, “yes i think so” and we’d crack up laughing and state down the line, “nope, not yet it isn’t”  Eventually we’d take pity on them and sign off for them.

If we couldn’t pop over to France for a couple of months, Skype was a great way to keep in touch and even though mums condition would worsen from time to time whenever she could, she always  made the effort to sit in front of the screen to say hello.  One of her favourite funny things was to lop side her wig and ask us what we thought of her new hairstyle.

There’s one thing i want all of you to know.  Mum was a fighter.  She fought this disgusting disease right through to the end.  Her quiet dignity and fighting spirit was a joy to behold and a lesson to me on how to live with pride and dignity.  That, even when you know the worst, when there is nothing more that can be done, you don’t give up, you don’t bemoan the troubles you have and you don’t feel sorry for yourself.  You get on with it and deal with it the best you can.  And that is what mum did. 

 However, she didn't do it on her own.   My dad was right there through every living minute of it.  My dad became my mums dependable rock.  And he was rock solid.  Dad, I've already told you as have Ed and Des, but you are a shining example to us all and we all thank you for what you did for mum in those dark , hard and difficult times.

It was a blessing that Des, Ed, myself and my Dad could all be with her in her final days.  To be able to help nurse her, comfort her and talk to her during the final few days has brought some comfort.  You must all know that everything that could be done to make her passing as peaceful as could be was done.  And with this in mind i have to pay a tribute to the those nurses and doctors from the French Health service who tried everything, including experimental treatment to try to beat her disease.  To the nurses who visited her three times a day at home to the nurses at Poitiers hospital who cared for her at the end.  Some of these nurses and my Mum developed a close bond and a friendship and mums eyes would light up when one of her favourite nurses came into the room to check on her.  To those nurses i salute and thank you.

We have all got many memories and many stories to tell about my Mum.  Some of them you may never have shared before, some will want telling again.  I have a hundred and more such memories and so do my brothers.  Please, come and share them with us after the service and in the weeks and months ahead as it will help us all come to terms with the loss of my mum, Valerie.  We of course will never forget her as will none of us gathered here today.  The telling of these stories will help us keep my treasured mums memory alive.

One of the last things my mum said to all of us in her room in her very last hours was ‘to stick together”  and we will.  My dad, my brothers and i bonded closer in those final days.  The awful days after my mums death when we were still in France trying our best to sort through the devastating impact it had on all of us,  and it was just us four and Dereks eldest, Daniel, showed me that we are strong and we will get through this, and we will always stick together, just as Mum had wanted.   This was Mums last wish and it will always be upheld.

To my brothers and my Dad i say, remember those days in France and when it all comes on top, we are just a phone call away from each other.  

Since my Mum has died I have had a recurring and troubling dream.  I want to share it with you as it sums up how i feel and it maybe how some of you feel too.

It begins with me sat in a back garden, i’m not sure though if it’s mine or my mum and dads but there is something strangely familiar about it.  I’m sat on some raised patio steps looking out at the garden before me.  It’s a long garden with a winding path down the middle of it and I’m watching Mum ambling down the path occasionally stopping to look at the flowers as something in particular catches her eye. She loved her gardens.  Occasionally i look down to pick up a small pebble from the gravel path and each time i look back my mum is further away from me, further down the path.  When i look longer i notice the path goes around a corner and is then lost from view behind an English red wall, the type you find in old English Country house gardens.  It’s then that i get an uneasy feeling in my dream and i want to shout out to my mum to come back, but i know she cannot hear me and i know she will keep on following the path.  I look down at the ground to ponder this and play with the small pebbles and though 55it’s only seconds but when i look back up Mum has gone.  She has followed the path around the corner and I know in that instant that i will not see her again.  I know that i cannot follow her down the path and that suddenly the garden is quiet and feeling empty and that subtly, it’s changed, everything has changed in a very subtle way.  Then the dream ends with me sat on the patio step feeling very sad.  I don’t know why i dream this but i when i replay it i see my mum quite happy looking at the flowers…and that’s okay by me.

Finally i want to thank you all for coming today on behalf of my Father, my brothers and our families. I want to thank you all for enriching my Mums life as that is what all you have done.

God bless my Mum and God bless you all.

Remembrance Day

The Last Post

It began with a tear, in the corner of his eye
of 70 years, and still to dry
drifting back, his memories strong
of friends and comrades long since gone

Of Harry, Bert, Frank and Bob
of whistles, shrieks, bangs and shot
of noise and clatter and smoke and flame
of friendship lost, now sorrow and pain

His wreath is laid upon the floor
below the names of men no more
he still sees their smiles from when they joined
the Yorkshire Pals, their name was coined

His boney hand to his face did rise
to wipe the tears from his eyes
Inside he stood, tall and proud
“God bless you all” he said aloud

He wont be back the following year
his time has come, its already near
wheeled away by his grandson now
he’s said goodbye, his final bow

Adrian Smith Nov 2013






I wrote this earlier this month.  I had visited a war memorial during Remembrance week and was moved to see an old soldier, a frail old man wrapped up against the November chill huddled in a wheelchair.  His old bones no longer able to support him.  His eyes were watering, he was remembering.  I had to look away, to leave him to his private grief and memories of times past and friends long remembered.  In essence the poem is just about the simple act of remembrance, the act of visiting a war memorial at this time of year to pay respects.  For some, it means the world. I can only imagine what the old boys must be remembering..

He wasn't alone.  Someone, who i assumed to be a relative, possible a grandson was there to support him.

This image stuck with me for days and so I penned the above as a tribute to him and all the frail old men and all the veterans from past conflicts who still turn out, 70 years later for some, to remember those who have fallen.  God bless them all.

Ollie..

Ollie's been around and we've been out and about!

Tree climbing with Annabelle

Entering a dog show with Jo..

with his gang , Annabelle, Holly and Lottie

causing mischief and mayhem in the Funhouse

Nice tonsils

always a funny face!

riding the wurlitzer with Gary and myself

riding the Dodgems..another face!

The cool gang

Sausage festival with Holly

Back to school Victorian style

another face, Lincoln Ghost walk

always at the front

overhead view of the house
(this pic has sneaked in!)

chilling with Dad

Halloween with Alfie

nice one!

Ollies new friend

Ollie the horse whisperer ...with Max

He feeds him every time he stays

A night pic of the house, taken by Ollie

Visit to the Red Arrows

Had Ollie for 5 days and we've had a great time.  At the weekend we went to the Lincoln Sausage festival held in the Castle Grounds and the Cathedral quarter.  Now if you know Ollie you know how much he was looking forward to this!  We went with some friends and all sorts of fare was tried from 1ft long Lincolnshire sausages in a bap to Venison, Wild Boar and Kangaroo burgers.  Ollie loved the Kangaroo!  You could also sample and buy Zebra burgers and Crocodile steaks.

After that we went back to school in a makeshift Victorian school in the Castle Museum.  Couldn't get Ollie out of th classroom which must be a first!

We also went on a 'Ghost walk' around Lincoln, with an official guide.  This was excellent fun and Ollie and Hollie stuck to the guide like glue and loved every minute of her story telling.  We also took an unexplained mysterious photo at one of the haunted sites.  More on this in another post...

So, yesterday we went on a visit to RAF Scampton to see the Red Arrows and visit the 617 Dambuster Squadron heritage museum on the site.  Ollies Great Great Grandad, Ernest Drinkall was a Sergeant on the Squadron and Ollie was pleased to visit the place where he and the Squadron worked on the prepartion for the famous Dams raid.

Here's some pics...

At the base of the Red Arrows - RAF Scampton

Ollie has been looking forward to this for ages...here he is just entering the Hangar for the first time..

He's just realising where he is...and is very happy

Merv our guide is explaining about the engine exhaust and how the coloured smoke system works

the inside of a Hawk engine exhaust!

two very happy boys

The Hangar can hold 14 Red Arrows

Ollie touching one of the jets!

"Look Dad, I'm touching one"

They are two seaters.  The engineer will transit in the back seat between displays

Everything is immaculate 

Shiney shiney

We are in the Winter training season and the jets are serviced daily

The canopy is getting a clean - got to be able to see!

The Royal Airforce - says it all really

Ollie looking proud and so pleased in his Red Arrows jump suit

A full rainbow over the Reds Hanger

Ollie sheperding a group of visitors towards the 617 Hanger

visiting 'Niggers' grave

Guy Gibsons office

Niggers grave is just outside Gibsons office window

In the Dambusters room - Ollie peering through a Lancaster bomb aimers section

Ollie and Jo peering intently at something inside the 617 Hanger
Hawker Hunter in the background

Ollie enjoying other exhibits..

peering into the cramped cockpit of a Lightening

"Ollie, I'll give you a pound if you pull that lever between your legs"

Ollies photo - he took this shot of evening approaching over Niggers grave